Enter The Bathroom

my english teacher made the mistake of asking me to write a free verse poem...
i read it to my class before she had a chance to stop me
best awkward 5 minutes of my life
anyway, here it is


I sprint into the bathroom, clutching my butt with both hands.
Oh boy, this ones gonna be a dozy, I catch myself speaking to the mirror
as a sopping wet fart is set forth from my colon, which immediately kills a small mouse
my pants drop like birds dying in flight,
then i sit on the throne and let that hot ass cake flow

the sounds from that bowl could forgivably be confused with aliens shooting giant whale carcasses into the ocean at the speed of light in the attempt to destroy the planet
in fact, you could feel the splash of cold water and warm feces on your soft, sensitive tu-cas.
and suddenly: the scent of death
it hung so thick in the air you could see it
and trace letters in it
i write boo.. oobi... bies...
They are surrounded by the color of wilted flowers that have been rotting in the sun for a few days,
but not to the point where flies were killing each other to get to that stinky goodness

Relief! What joy! The pleasure of an emptying intestine cannot be overstated:
its better than anal sex
which is only half good cause going out is by necessity step 2
but boy, is step 2 nice...
Almost worth it, and on some occasions is

at last my shit is done
i peer down into the steaming bowl and notice that an alarmingly large island now stands in the center of the bowl
i shall name it killberra mountain
because the kernels of corn remind me of maple trees in the fall
And the consistency of the bowel movement is approximately the same viscosity as custard
hard and firm if you grab it
but soft and flowing when you gently drag your hand through it
maybe you can feel it now?
You know you can.

its beautiful, in a way
cause half of the weight of fecal matter comes from dead bacteria that live inside my intestines
life is everywhere

i think about how to best approach the act of wiping
and how the soft paper draws little flecks of shit from my anus like a graveyard draws a necrophiliac
i reach back and grab the roll and start the arduous process
rip, shove, wipe, fold, repeat until step 3 cannot be repeated, toss
repeat, oh shit
repeat repeat repeat

proud of my efforts, and declaring my ass wiped,
i rise from the special seat and flush
but wait! Mt killaberra isnt going down without a fight
the earth shakes as the tectonic plates of fiber beneath the Mexican chilli wiggle
volcanoes erupt: hot gas and shards of hardened shit fly everywhere

The water level rises as the force of the water down is not enough to shake loose the tremendous mountain of shit
Niagra falls in miniature, complete with boulders and observable currents!
Little heaps of light brown poop make polka dots on my neon green floor
but the separated flecks of corn seem to be blending remarkably well
the water carries all this and more like a rat carrying the plague
and just as flea bitten and mangy
PANIC! pangs of nausea sweep my body
hands clutch my mouth,
but young saplings burst forth and grow in spite of being in the center of the parking lot
suddenly the puddles on my floor elevate and turn the shade of green algae in my fish tank

but i know better, i can win this fight
i grab my plunger and shove
pull back, shove
pull back, slip on shit, fall and roll in the giant mess that now spans the entire floor of my bathroom and may possibly extend out into the hallway
i am now damp, and my cologne is obscured by the smell of decaying bacteria, bacteria decomposing food, decomposed food
decomposition
death

i recover and, jumping to my feet,
i wiggle the flushing thingy again and set forth the wrath of my toilet’s water pump.
Like a mouthful of robotusson, the toilet clears its throat and swallows the giant mess that originated from my eating of an apple, some broccoli and a Chalupa (or three)
i lie, seven was my lucky number last night.

suddenly i am left standing
in the disaster area that is my bathroom
the excitement is over
time to return to my abstract life
this normal part is starting to scare me.