Poop Report: Entry 1

Date:
4-2-2008

Subject:
Fesomelia Straelemotus

All food consumed in the past 3 days:
4 slices of pizza, 3 glasses of Pink Lemonade, a chocolate bar, a ham sandwich, 48 peanuts, an egg, three potatoes, a tub of slaw, 4 plates of hot buttered groat clusters, a cat, the pubic hair I found in my Calc book today, 1 gallon of tap water, and some grapes.

Did you have a previous movement today?
No

Do you have a regular bowel expulsion cycle? If so, at what times does your bioclock ring to let you know Mother Nature will be calling?
Yes, at 3pm daily.

Did you engage in any anal intercourse in the past week?
No

Experience:
For 22 seconds, 25.7g of movement mixed with 2.4 L of flatulence shot out of my lower intestine. It displaced 17 fl. oz when placed in my sink. The movement consisted of two pieces of dry, firm bowel of 10 cm and 25cm in length and 2 cm in radius. The movement was a light yellow brown color. The scent was strongly egg with undertones of sulfur. Taste was overwhelmingly bitter and carried an aftertaste of blood. 23mL of urine was collected at 95.6 degrees Fahrenheit, and the urine was observed to be a vibrant shade of neon yellow (previously determined to be due to heightened consumption of Vitamin B12). Cleanup was easy, medium amount of buildup left an anal ring with partial veil. 5 strokes with 4 squares of toilet paper using the fold-over method removed all buildup. 12.6 revolutions were counted before the large bowel was sucked down into the lower plumbing. No streak marks were left in the toilet, from entry to exit. No backwash was recorded. Aftereffects included heightened levels of relaxation and happiness.